In the past week, a lot of people within the running community have been writing about the recent admission of EPO use by Irish runner, Martin Fagan. A lot of those writing have done so from a perspective of either one who knows him personally or someone who wants to get the truth out about his reasoning for using EPO. I would like to take a slightly different perspective on this story. I do not know Martin personally (although maybe I will meet him one day) nor do I think it is particularly necessary to retell his story in another blog. In all honesty, this blog won't really even be about Martin, but will use his example to hit a much larger issue. And so, I will begin...
After reading numerous blogs and articles about Martin's EPO use, we all know that it stemmed from a personal struggle with depression. He had hit a low in his life, particularly with his race performances, and he resorted to EPO on one occasion, as many have called, "a cry for help." The bigger issue though, is not his EPO use. It is his depression. Well, actually, not his depression, but depression in general.
Those few of us who engage in the rigorous and tedious daily task of training for cross country, track, marathons, ultras, road races, etc..., have learned all too well the physical, as well as mental, toll it can take on us. If you have ever read the novel, "Once A Runner," you might identify this as "the breakdown." We all reach a point in our training where our body says, "Enough is enough! Give me a break!" When most of us reach this point, we reasonably step back and allow our bodies time to recover. However, there are many of us who face times when we cannot afford to do so, or as in some cases, we are too stubborn to do so. We tell ourselves that we can run it off or that it is just a bump in the road (I would definitely put myself in that category). When this happens, sometimes we just power through it and return to things as normal. Other times, we face even worse consequences. We fall deeper into the hole we have dug and that is where the mental toll starts to devastate.
What often results from this downfall is a spiral into depression. We try to push harder, and when the results don't come, the mind breaks down. It has happened to many runners and many other athletes. Hell, it happens to non-athletes when their life gets out of control. And when a person is at this low point, they make decisions that don't reflect their true character. Alcoholism, drug use, partying, and a plethora of other things.
I myself have had a personal battle with depression over the past few years. And, like Martin, I have been involved in a rigorous and straining training regimen (although I will admit that his most likely makes mine look like a cakewalk). I know from personal experience what it feels like to watch your performances decline drastically, and then try to salvage your season, only to watch it fall apart even more. I know firsthand that poor choices can be made in those times and the feeling of helplessness that accompanies it. I know what if feels like to want to reach out for help, but being too proud to ask for it straight out. And I believe that is what pushed Martin to that point. The pride you get as being one of your nations top marathoners and a player on the international stage is one I can only imagine right now. And then to watch all that start to fall apart, I cannot imagine that feeling. But I know it isn't a good one. Although I agree with the decision to put him on a two year ban, I think we all need to realize he wasn't out to cheat the system and steal an Olympic medal away from a more deserving athlete. He was crying out to us, and I believe that when he returns to racing in two years, he deserves a warm welcome home.
As my training gets harder and my goals get bigger, I feel more and more everyday the risk of falling into this hole increases. I know that the higher you climb, the farther you have to fall. It is a risk everyone, athlete or not, takes to achieve eternal greatness, something far bigger than any of us. And with that all said, I want to say to Martin and to anyone else in his place, you aren't alone. There are others of us who have been down that road, and who are there for you to reach out too. Don't let your pride stop you from seeking help, like it stopped Martin, and has stopped me before.
There are many positive and legal alternatives to combating this breakdown that Martin experienced. The most obvious is to simply take your foot off the gas and rest. Stop running and training and take time off. When you don't have that option, such as you find yourself breaking down in the middle of your season, scaling back or finding different training mechanisms, such as cross training, to rest your body and still keep your aerobic capacity up can rejuvenate you and keep your racing on schedule. The most important thing though, is to reach out to someone. Don't try and fight it alone. Tell a coach or a parent or a mentor about how you feel and have them help you work through it. And keep checking in with them until you are back to 100%. There is no reason to go at this alone, it only increases your risk of worsening the problem.
Run smart, run hard, and most of all, run happy.
