Destroy All Self-Doubt

These words resonate through my head quite often. I first heard them while watching a documentary by my favorite professional runner, Anthony Famiglietti. His movie, "Run Reckless," is definitely a favorite of mine. This small saying has had a huge impact on my running career. Though it has only been about a month since I first saw the movie, I have had many instances where I have needed to repeat this phrase in my head while running. During tough workouts, hard races, and even in non-running aspects of my life, especially in the classroom (I am a STUDENT-athlete afterall...). but it's more than just a phrase that gets uttered in these tough moments, it's what this phrase means to me that I go back to so often. It is true what they say, that anything is possible if you believe. I have HUGE goals and ambitions as a distance runner, many of which are probably outside of my ability to achieve. But whenever I catch myself doubting my ability to reach these goals, I think, "destroy all self-doubt." In my head, I go through all the things that I have overcome, gone through, dealt with in running. I tell myself that a champion doesn't give up when the going gets tough. That I can't reach my goals unless I am willing to push myself, give it everything I have in each and every practice and race. And giving my all doesn't always mean running as hard and fast as possible. During workouts and races, yes, it means pushing my body to the limit and running hard and fast, but on recovery days, it means controlling myself and running my mileage at a pace that will allow me to recovery for the next time I need to thrash my body. It means getting in a long run to build my aerobic base even more. It means going to bed on time to rest, eating well, and hydrating (something I need to do right now). It means stretching after every run. And taking every aspect of this running business serious. Because once I can do all that, I can take the next step to reaching my goals. And if I can do this, I will also destroy all self-doubt. All self-doubt that I am not cut out for this, that I will never be good enough. Destroy all self-doubt. Everyday I work on destroying it all, and once I do, I will destroy the clock.

The Breakdown

Physical. Mental. Emotional. Spiritual. Your legs down work, your body becomes a lifeless vessel, barely existing. Your mind turns against you, tells you to stop, to give up, you aren't good enough. Manic depression, seclusion from friends, family, people in general, no desire to be happy. Trapped, dead, no life left, simply a body existing in the physically world, but nothing beyond that. You're left with only one choice. Give up, stop, quit, let the physical and mental wearing cease, but also let the emotional and spiritual wearing grow more so. Or continue, keep going, let the physical and mental wearing continue, risk worsening the emotional and spiritual wearing, but carry on. Because at this point all you have left is the run.

This is me right now, this is how I cope; I will pull on my shorts, lace up my shoes. I will grab my backpack and head down to the track. I will start my watch and put one foot in front of the other. I will go along, bringing more fatigue and stress to my body. But I will go along. I won't stop, I won't quit, not even for a day. Because for me, there is no life for me without the run, no reason to get up, no reason to go to class, no reason to eat or drink, no reason to exist. Without the run I am nothing, so in spite of this feeling of nothing that envelopes me, at least I'm feeling, because when the day ends, and my sorrows turn to sleep, I know I can say, "at least I ran today," and that is enough for me to do it again, day after day.

As of right now...

... racing season only brings depression to me. Realization that I am not getting good enough training, realization that I am even more a nobody, that kids younger than me and poised to thoroughly own me, that nobody will ever see my name anywhere important. I need to get out of here. I need to go somewhere that matters, where I'll be known, a somebody. Get. Me. Out. Of. Here.

So, about this week...

This past week has truly been disappointing when it comes to my training. 0 for 2 in workouts, dying hard in both and running far slower than my assigned paces. It's been hot though and I was slightly, kind of really, a lot dehydrated today. Easy run tomorrow then a long run to end the week while some of our girls race and we cheer them on. Luckily, I have quite some time to get things back in line before our next race, which happens to be a big one. A lot of big schools and names there. Definitely going to get a fast time, but for now, I have to keep running and get these legs working right again!

I think I'm destined to become a coach...

The past two days, I have spent way too much time developing a training plan and making models to show how it works. I'm pretty sure this stems from my distaste with my current training plan and my desire to find something that I like and feel works. Doesn't matter though, because it's just giving me a good understanding and basis on what my training philosophy will be when I finally become a coach.

Confusing to me.

Over summer I ate a lot of fast food and drank a lot of soda, yet I ran and felt great. Now back in school, I eat a lot of healthier food and drink better, and I am now running worse. Time to have a partially bad diet again? Worth a shot!